My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
