Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
