Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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