just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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