theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
All I want is dick and wine.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
