my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
