so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
