You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
