Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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