his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
