I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
