I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
