He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
