end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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