There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
