normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My liver just had a heart attack.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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