it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
