Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
