I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
