The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
