my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
