You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
