well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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