I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
