Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
