do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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