yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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