my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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