My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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