omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
