So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
