Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
