I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
