I haven't been this sober since birth.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me š
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
