My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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