Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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