After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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