i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I intend to get homeless drunk
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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