I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I look better un-naked...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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