this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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