dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
