I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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