I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
