You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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