Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
