they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
