Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
