wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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