Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
