if only i could text you this smell
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
