yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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