why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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