Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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